The letter i can't wait to send

as soon as i find another job, and i'm diligently hunting

To Whom It May Concern,

After being told I am the biggest bitch I have decided it best for both my sanity and your physical well being that I find another job. I have been searching for quite sometime and unfortunately the economy has slowed my progress considerably, otherwise I would've been out that door at a much quicker speed. Considering not all of us have soon-to-be ex-hubands who can buy us all coffee shops that we know nothing about, and pay the employees salaries when you can't afford it yourself, I actually have to WORK for a living. I can't just stand in a bakery all day pretending that I'm working, oh, so hard, and I can't take several 20 minute smoke breaks, or hold "meetings" with random men who enter your establishment. No, I keep my legs closed, which means I actually have to work.

You see, calling an employee a bitch and telling them you can't stand the sight of them, well, that usually makes them unhappy. So does screaming at them at the top your lungs like they are bad dogs, or small children. I am an adult, just talking to me is sufficient.

As if all of the above wasn't enough to push me out the door i find that the night shift leader is making 50 cents more than myself, your manager. That the males at your establishment make much more than the females, and that they told everyone themselves without being asked.
I don't know if you've heard of the Lily Ledbetter Law, but maybe you should look into it. I also feel that after almost a year of you owning this business I should tell you something very important. You didn't buy a Panera franchise. I think you thought you did, since every word out of your mouth is 'THIS is what Panera does' we all thought you'd realize it, but if you haven't by know you never will unless someone tells you.

Also, the reason people don't come in isn't because they think the Dorman's still own it, it's because I've heard SEVERAL people say that you're a "skank" or "trailer trash" and even "a slut." At least 10 women and even more men who were regulars won't come in and have personally told me it's because of you, and the ones who still do come in call you quite colorful things.

Well, it's been an interesting time working for you, to say the least, but it's time I moved on to a more professional place of employment where the owner actually know what they're doing. As someone who hopes to run my own business one day I want to thank you for teaching me exactly how NOT to run a business. This new knowledge is valuable. I have learned how NOT to treat employees who work their asses off for you, and how NOT to run a business into the ground. I have learned that you don't put down how an employee looks, especially in an independently owned coffee house. I learned NOT to throw myself at every man who enters the business and let random men go down in the basement with you to do god knows what.

It will be uplifting to never have to work for work for someone as underhanded, deceitful and lacking in basic human intelligence as you. I am NOT giving 2 weeks notice for the fact that an employee who gave you 2 weeks didn't actually get her 2 weeks, and frankly, you don't deserve any notice, you deserve to drown in your ignorance. Good luck with your endeavers, you're surely going to need it!



K.L.N.

how to become a successful small business owner...

a written guide to start and run your small restaurant/coffee shop(into the ground)

strategic planning:
not only for big business; first, buy a business you know absolutely NOTHING about. this is VERY important. make sure you are completely ignorant about every aspect (i.e. book keeping, ordering, basic business essentials).

next, make sure you have a premo location so many people will enter this business that you know nothing about. if you are a male assert your power and demean every man who enters your new establishment, if you are female dress as inappropriately as possible and throw yourself at every man that enters your business.

if you are buying your business from another owner and planning on keeping it the same type of vocation keep the employees. don't even think about fair pay! any man that starts at your establishment automatically should make more. even more than your soon to be manager. appoint one employee as manager. now you are free of any work and any type of responsiblity. this is very important for you as an owner, you never want any sort of responsibilty on your shoulders, better to let it fall apon the employees so you can fire them at will.
it is very important to make sure this new manager has never had managerial experience so they are less likely to question any whim you throw their way. this way you can walk all over them and push them to the brink, you may go through a lot of managers, but losses are to be expected.

now, this is YOUR business so only make the food/product YOU like; the general public who don't like it don't count anyway, it's not their livelihood.
it is imperative that you find yourself a book keeper that will do you every bidding, paying someone to be your new best friend isn't all that bad, they will do anything you demand because they feel their job depends on it. make sure that become not only a book keeper and team member, but also a personal assistant.

whenever one of your employees does something to your disliking (i.e. not vaccuming good enough, looking cuter than you that day) it is important you scream, at them, do not be afraid to raise your voice, practice in the mirror to make sure your face is full of distain and hatred. don't pull them aside and talk to them, no, scream in front of other employees, or even better, customers. this will really get your point across. make sure you belittle them to the point of almost crying. then treat them like they are your best friend a few hours later, this way they won't be as likely to quit.

also very important, NEVER wait on the customers, NEVER bring yourself down to your employees level. the customers aren't important, just your image is. tell your customers and employees VERY personal things about your life. (i.e. the details of your messy divorce, how much your boob job costs, the woman's name who your husband's been cheating on you with) THIS is how you connect with them, NOT by working.

a significant part of owning a business IS image, especially the inside of your new restaurant/coffee shop. buy lots of unneccesary items (i.e. lamps, new paint job) just things that the business could really do without. spend SO much money on these usless things that you cannot afford to pay your employees (remember that soon-to-be, rich ex-husband? he can pay them instead, since you will still be sleeping with him when needed) your employees aren't important, the IMAGE is!

really, after all of this there isn't much else to get your business rolling. everything should fall into place (that is, fall apart). a great fortune depends on luck, a small one on diligence.

good luck!